December 26, 2011
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Christmas was all right. I went to Sechelt and spent it with my mother and her partner, grandma and uncle. The food was good and it was nice to catch up with my grandma. I haven't seen her in a couple of years. I finally told her I was pregnant. She shook her finger at me because Nate and I aren't married, but unlike my mum's initial response I let this one go because she's 71 and going to be traditional that way. Plus, I'm shocked and a little appalled by the fact that announcing a pregnancy can and will bring negative responses. So...FUCK EM.
People are starting to notice my belly popping out. I didn't expect to happen so early. I thought maybe 13 or 14 weeks, no I've been obviously growing since week 9. I can tell it's starting to grow up because my shape is changing. While some of it indeed bloat, the visual is keeping me positive. I'm still nervous about the ultrasound on Friday, but my nervousness has reduced quite a bit. I'm bursting with excitement, but keeping it at bay with that thought in the back of mind that it's possible it's not perfect. I had lunch with Dad last week and I was curious about my mum's own miscarriages that were caused by a genetic disorder that were making her pregnancies nonviable. I remember he told me she would miscarry between 8-10 weeks, but the other day he clarified and said they were all missed miscarriages. This made me think three things: 1) No wonder they were so traumatic for her: she would carry on until 16 or so weeks and then find out the fetus had died 6-8 week ago. 2) I suddenly did not feel in the clear even though I was approaching my 11th week and feeling pregnant. 3) I am so fucking happy that I have that ultrasound on Friday because IF I happen to get bad news I wouldn't have dragged it on for another month. I don't understand how prenatal care providers cannot require an ultrasound until 20 weeks. Those women are supposed to just cross their fingers and hope or otherwise become suspicious at 16-18 weeks FIRST because they're neither growing nor feel fetal movement? That seems like utter bullshit to me. It's not fair to the woman and wastes her time when she could have helped her body along to get rid of the dead tissues and start the healing process and ultimately try again.
Anyway, I'm still feeling more positive because this belly is coming from somewhere and while my work pants don't fit me in the waist anymore neither my thighs nor love handles seem to be getting any bigger. The size increase seems limited to my belly and boobs, which is where it should be. Besides, even if I wasn't that big baby is still only 2 inches long at the very most, which is really small. It's always smaller that it seems in my head.
On another note I'm excited for 2012. It's going to be a big year for me. It will be my 5 year anniversary with Nate. It will also be my 5 year anniversary at work. Plus, we're starting a family. Oh! And my dad turns 50. I'm looking forward to it.