June 24, 2011
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I am so tired. These early mornings are getting me a little, but I do have a new appreciation with being able to stay up later and guiltlessly taking a nap because I don't have to work early the next day. I'm bit better today because I got an extra hour of sleep (boy what a difference an hour can make), but after running around for almost 8 hours with only a 15 minute break I started getting tired and cranky again. I'm finding my role at work at best stressful and downright overwhelming. I have to look after at least three other people, one of which is new and therefore very slow and her English isn't very good. I'll tell her something and she'll nod and say okay, but completely out of context to what I had said to her so I know she didn't understand me. Today I was almost on the verge of tears in front of my manager and I was about to have a serious discussion with him about how I'm beginning to think this role isn't suited for me. I don't necessarily like it. I'm only doing it because it will get me to where I want to be, but if what I ultimately want to do is what I'm doing already (and then some), then I'm having second thoughts on everything. The problem is that I don't necessarily want to be a "lifer" who sits back and lives on a somewhat above par wage with hours that are never guaranteed. I suppose if I stick around long enough I could get a regular part time position that guarantees me a certain number of hours, but I'm still not really doing anything with my "career". I feel better about myself at least trying to move my way up in the company.
I must remind myself that this is all still very new. Today was a guided day. I was shown things that I'm supposed to be doing and thinking about, but I'm just not there yet. My performance is mediocre and this bothers me. However, it's mediocre out of inexperience, but that bothers me just as much. One thing I know for sure is that I hate handling heavy, bid, awkward, dirty, dusty stock. I suck it up though because I know I'm not the only one. But, I'm keeping my eye open to that fine line between dislike but dealing and dislike and miserable. I do NOT want to be miserable at work. How awful to dread doing the thing I spend about 30 hours of my life doing per week just to make some money. I require some joy in it, some satisfaction. But, as it stands right now I haven't spent enough time doing it to really be sure one way or the other. All I know is that right now, I'm not too happy with it, but I'm optimistic (or am I naive) and believe that it can get better and I can become good at this!