Woo! I'm back! Two entries in one day? What the heck is going on? Answer: my little babe is actually napping and has been for almost two hours. This is a little more than a small victory. I've been able to shower, eat, get down with my hubby, and enjoy some tea all undisturbed. I'm at the point where I'm open to her waking up anytime now. I know that when she does she's going to be very unhappy and need boob immediately.

So one thing I wanted to write about in my last post was that I found us some wood for the stove yesterday. I took a walk into town, got to say hi to a couple of horses on the way, and was just about to the coffee shop where I was going to enjoy a bevvy while nursing H. I glanced over to the gas station where we've been told multiple times to check out for firewood and lo and behold there was a truck full of wood. I scrapped the coffee idea and went over to check it out. Now, we've been looking for wood since the beginning of November. We've made multiple phone calls in which only ONE was returned and even posted a wanted ad on the Salt Spring Exchange website (a craigslist for exclusively for Salt Spring). Nothing. I had resigned to the idea that we wouldn't get to use the wood stove this winter that it was going to be electric heat from here on out. I was bummed about it. I'd look at the cold, dark stove in the corner longingly and imagine a fire burning. I even looked up through the skylight and pined for smoking coming out of the chimney.

Anyway, I decided it would be a better conversation with N if I had the information first. I talked to the guy and found out the truck was over a cord and they were asking $400 for it. It was Arbutus, which is a premium grade wood as it burns slower than other types. It's also a bitch to cut because the grain isn't straight, but I suppose with a chainsaw you can cut anything. There was a Jeep with less an a cord that they were asking $100 for as well, but when I talked to N he decided we should just take the truck's worth of wood. He knew it was kind of too much, but we were at the point where we didn't really care. Wood was wood and we had found some!

So now we have at least a cord of premium, seasoned, and dry firewood. I am in wood stove heaven AND I can crack the windows and let in some fresh air now too. N didn't want me leaving windows open with the electric heat because he saw it as wasting money when we could just turn the heat off or down. This is true, but I like to get some air flow going and be warm. Fortunately, burning a fire lets me have the best of both worlds.

I like cleaning. It's therapeutic and I can revel in the cleanliness of a space afterwards. Sadly it doesn't last long here. Pine needles and dirt are constantly being tracked in from the outside, mostly by N. This is a "problem" I'm not used to dealing with this since not only being in the city, but also living in an apartment keeps your floors a heck of a lot cleaner longer. That being said, despite my desperately missing the city, I like the fact that we're living in a spot where such things can be tracked into the house at all.

Let me just get one thing straight about how I feel about moving here. I have a love/hate relationship with this island. What I love about it is: the outdoors, the fresh air, my own laundry (and, therefore, being able to use my own cloth diapers for H), the rain on the roof, the fire place, the deer coming through our yard, having a car, looking at greenery not buildings. What I hate about it here is: the quieter lifestyle, feeling bored, feeling like a don't belong knowing this is temporary (and feels like a waste of time), not having friends here, having limited resources, no Starbucks (I know that one sounds really lame, but if I had a Starbucks that I could hang out at a few times a week I'd probably feel a little closer to home), no malls so I could just get out and be around people when I get cabin fever.

So yeah, it's the little things that make me like it here. I don't think it's the winter gloominess that will get me this winter. I think it will be the lack of social interaction. Honestly I'm liking the weather here. I like the rain on our roof (as I mentioned) and I like taking a walk and seeing the clouds hanging low in the trees. It creates a mood and I think it looks cool. The city in gloom just looks depressing.

Woo...mellow day today. I was going to take H to the pool, but I got her down for a proper nap. Naps trump anything, especially when said napper is stubborn and refuses to nap more often than not. I even managed to get her in the crib.

Right now I have a hankering for mulled wine. Being away from all the Christmas hustle and bustle is making me crave it. My friends went to the Vancouver Christmas Market today and I so wish I could have gone with them. I would have brought Hannah and everything...another reason to feel sad about living here. I'd check out the local Christmas fairs here, but the idea of going by myself with just Hannah depresses me. N wouldn't go because he's such a Scrooge.

I'm really starting to miss our friends and I feel like I can't even talk to N about it because he would just tell me to go out and make new ones. It's not the same. I'm not even sure why, but I have no desire to get out and meet people here. Maybe it's because I'm more desperate to move away than I'm willing to admit. I'm trying so hard to stay positive and enjoy my time here, but I'm getting lonely and yet I have zero interest in trying to make any friends in order to change that. Hmm...no I don't think the winter weather is going to kick my ass like I thought, I think it's the lack friends and wholesome adult interaction that's going to get me.

I've been considering putting my reservations aside and going to the mom and baby group. Actually, there's a couple, but it's just a matter of getting up early enough and going. This is going to sound REALLY dumb, but if only my hair was long then I wouldn't have shower every morning to make it look nice. I could shower the night before, throw it up in a pony tail or bun and just run out the door. This showering in the morning only business has become inconvenient. It slows me down SO much now that my time is preoccupied with the little one.

Now that I think about it these programs might be over for the year since Christmas is fast approaching.

Feeling better now that H is down for the night and N stopped working and took her for me for a bit.

It's almost 11 and I probably won't be going to sleep until after midnight. I just always manage to find things to take up my time, but it's actually the best time to get some things done like tidying up so that I don't have to wake up to it. I could try to shift H's sleep schedule to earlier, but honestly I like getting up around 8 rather than 6. It's still dark at 6 and it doesn't feel right to be starting my day when it's still dark I know every other person who works a normal day is getting up around that time, but I have the fortuitous privilege of a sleeping baby I'm going to take advantage of it. Frankly, I like our routine and I'm not keen on breaking it unless H decides to do so whether it be from maturing or something else. I kept hearing about the fourth month sleep regression and that didn't shake her sleep schedule at all. I had one night where I was up around 4, but that's mostly because she got out of her swaddle and woke herself up. She is starting to teethe, but it doesn't seem to affect her sleep (knock on wood). I am so lucky and I'm grateful to get regular sleep

Jeez Xanga...be slower why don't you.

I am not having a great evening. My cycle has returned despite exclusively breast feeding and when I ovulate I get so irritable. Poor little H has been driving me bonkers and I feel bad getting so frustrated with her crying. I just remind myself that it's not like I feel this way every single day. If I did I'd most certainly have PPD, but I otherwise feel fine. I just hope it only lasts today and doesn't hit me tomorrow. Anyway she's been nursing a lot and fussy in between so I think she's teething. I just wish she could be happy to lay on the floor and play for more than 5 minutes so I could actually do something leisurely. Bedtime is in an hour, so once she's in bed I'll probably just retire to my own bed because I feel like shit. 

Despite the crappy mood I actually did myself up today like I used to before H and before Salt Spring. There's something about the island that makes me feel like I have absolutely no reason to put on makeup and clothing other than pajamas or yoga pants. It's what I don't like about small town life. I miss having a daily routine of beautifying myself for the public and I would probably put more effort into it if we still lived in the city despite having a baby. Makeup takes an extra 5 minutes so having a baby isn't much of an excuse to not wear makeup. But living in a place where there isn't really anywhere to go and there's hardly anyone around it's hard to give a shit. I'm getting tired of being so blah, though. I'm growing out my hair too, which is evilness unto itself. I don't want to have it trimmed to keep it under control and try to make it look decent because I don't trust any hair dresser to not take off too much. I've had too many instances where I tell the stylist that I'm growing out my hair and then I walk out with nearly an inch gone, not an eighth. They don't ever seem to get it so why should I bother taking three steps back just to attempt to make it look good. I'm just going to put up with the nastiness that is uneven lengths until I can throw it in a ponytail even if it's a short, stubby little thing.

Anyway her royal (teething) highness is starting to whine again so I will get off before she explodes.

I feel like we've settled a bit more here now. We don't exactly have a social life here on the island, but I'm not exactly a social butterfly anyway. Back in the city we made occasional trips out to have dinner with friends and what not, mostly on the weekends, but for the most part we're still doing what we've always done. If anything I feel like I do more now productive things like keeping the house clean, doing lots laundry, and basically keeping the space just so so that I can enjoying being in it. Unfortunately we've run out of wood for our wood stove and we're having a hell of a time finding any to buy. I don't think we thought about it early enough. We should have looked at the wood back when we moved in and thought, We should buy more for the winter. Now everyone's out of seasoned wood that can be used now it seems. It totally blows because the wood stove heats this place like nobody's business and it's a much cozier warmth than electric. I find that with the baseboards it gets cold before it warms up again. The thermostat doesn't really maintain the heat very well.

Speaking of doing lots of laundry and that's because my mother in law hooked me up nicely with some cloth diapers. I am completely converted to cloth. I will only use the disposables I have for overnight trips somewhere. I still use disposable wipes, but I want to switch to reusable wipes as well. I mean, why not? I'm already doing a load of diapers, why not throw cloths in there for clean up as well? I just bought a Costco sized box of refills though. So I could switch now and have a shit load of wipes for traveling...or I could just use them up and then switch to cloth wipes. Or I could try selling them. Salt Spring has its own mini craigslist. I could list the wipes and sell them for $15 or something. At any rate, I'm ready to go with the cloth wipes whenever because I have a bunch of wash cloths that I never use and if I need more I can cut up a receiving blanket or two to make more since I don't really use those either. I just need to search online for a solution I can soak the cloths in that's good for wipes.

Ok, so, I ended up going out and getting a few things I needed for reusable wipes and now I'm using them! I found a webpage with various solution recipes so I put one together that uses olive oil, baby wash, and essential oil. The two oils that are used the most are lavender and tea tree and I actually found a bottle of EO with both combined! So I added several drops of that to the solution I made. It smells nice, but we'll see if H's skin reacts to it or if I like it. The great thing about the page is that I can experiment and find the one that works the best. Some of them call for Dr. Bormner's Castille soap and it's at the grocery store, but I have so much baby wash that's going to take me forever to get through so I'd may as well use that up.

Anyway I'm excited to cut back on garbage. Even though I still have all those disposable wipes, if they are the last wipes I ever buy (save for small amounts for traveling once these are gone) I'll greatly reduce the amount of garbage from diapering all together. If I can get rid of the need for a trash can by the change table that would be awesome.

The whininess continues. It's driving me up the wall. I'm getting headaches from clenching my teeth out of frustration. I don't care if she won't nap, but the whining has got to stop. I've put her in her crib, thinking she would start crying and so far not a peep. I'm crossing my fingers and toes that she'll go to sleep on her own so I can eat and take a shower. I think that's hoping for a lot though.

OMG! I think hell froze over because she fell asleep on her own in her crib.

Anyway, I must get out for a walk later. I've been slacking.

Today has been surprisingly productive even though the little munchkin was a little high maintenance today. She likes to be held and when she's not she'll whine where she sits, which eventually builds up into crying. So either I hold her and get very little done, or I let her sit in her bouncer or swing and put up with her constant whining. I can't indulge her every minute of the day and she's gotta learn that. So I put up with the whining mostly. Today it really started bugging me though. It will be better when she can be more entertained by toys...or will it because she'll be teething? LOL I can't win either way. There will always be something, I just have to learn how to work around whatever it is. The whining could be a phase. She could be thinking, Hey, I can make this sound. In general she's a great baby. Every day is different and she could just be having one of those days.

I wanted to get her out for a walk, but I kept getting distracted and then she'd have to eat, and when she nurses she comfort nurses for nearly an hour sometimes. I almost always have to cut her off because she could just lay there for what feels like forever. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside to know that my baby needs me and takes comfort in what I can provide for her, but I really need to watch her cues if I need to do something when she's done eating. At least we have no problems with the breast feeding. Other than her needing a nipple shield, the nursing has been fantastic. I'm loving it and actually get a little sad when I think she'll start solids soon. I'm thinking I might go later than 6 months. I had always said that at 6 months I'll start her on cereal and go from there, but now I'm thinking baby led weaning might be my cup of tea. The only thing that worries me about that is that what if she weans late? Maybe I'll wait until she's 9 months to start her on solids. That seems like a happy medium. I don't mind if the weaning goes past 12 months (my breast feeding goal), but I want her totally weaned before she's 2 years old.

Anyway...N's mom, M, came over to visit for a few days for our birthdays. Mine is on the 24th, her's the 28th, and N's the 29th. So we're all crammed together. Whenever she comes over she does a lot of housework for us, mostly outside too, which is awesome because I don't want to touch the outside because it's cold and wet and I'm a city wuss who wants to stay dry and warm. Besides it's hard to find time with the bugaboo needing constant attention. I'd have to do it when she's napping and N is upstairs working so he can attend to her if she wakes up and I don't notice. Anyway our place is looking pretty good right now. It's much tidier with more stuff put away. This house is starting to feel more like home.

We're going to the city this weekend. I'm very excited! We're staying with my dad for a couple of nights and plan on surprising our friends by dropping by for a birthday gathering at a pub. Obviously, we're not telling anyone we're coming My dad and step mom have been dying to babysit, so we can leave the kidlet with them for the evening. I'll be bringing my pump with me so that I can pump at least once while we're out so that I don't get engorged and the missed feeding doesn't mess with my supply. I'll probably just dump it since I'll be drinking and don't really want to be carrying around full bottles in my purse. It might be a little weird to hog a bathroom stall for 15 minutes so I can pump, but whatever. A nursing mom's gotta do what she's gotta do. I won't be drinking too heavily anyway since I feel like an old fart and will want to be home before midnight and I want to be able to nurse H to sleep if I have to when we get back to my dad's, though I think that's probably more for my own benefit than H's. But, having said that, I wouldn't be surprised if my lack of presence makes her feel uneasy. I can picture it now, I get back and she's fussy; extremely tired but fighting it.

Anyway, it will be fun to see Vancouver again. We'll have the entire day Saturday and I'd really like to go see Cloud Atlas as well, but that would be leaving H with her grandparents twice in one day and I don't think I can do that. I can't imagine spending that much time away from my baby in one day, missing at least two feeds. I don't see why we can't just go see it with her, but last time I said to N that we should just take her with us he thought I was totally crazy. If she starts crying I'll simply step out, but she's a good baby and I could distract her with nursing. For all we know she might love looking at the big screen with all the huge images moving around on it.

Ok, I have been dying to get on here and write something, but I just keep getting distracted or H won't let me put her down. I guess I'll just need to blog with the Beco carrier on if she insists on being held. 

Things are getting a little better. There are certain things I enjoy about this place: fresh, fragrant air, foggy mountains, surrounding greenery, my woodstove, the natural light this house gets, the fact that it's walkable distance to town. If I get thinking really hard about the city I start to miss it. If I drift into moments of quiet boredom I get a little sad, but I used to do that in the city too. There's plenty to keep me busy here at home. There's always housework to be done, I have books I can read, and there are shows on Netflix I could get into. I even have the P90X DVDs and while I'm not ready to commit to the workout, I could always do the stretching or yoga routines when H goes down for a nap. I thought the rain would bother me, but it turns out I love it when it rains because I can hear it on the roof. I got rain boots and a parka so I have no reason to let the rain keep me inside, which it would have done in the city anyway. 

That's just what it comes down to here. Whether I'm in the city or here in the island, either way I'm going to be spending rainy dreary days at home, rocking and nursing my baby while watching TV. Sure I might have gotten out to a Starbucks, but I there are coffee shops in town here that I can walk to. With the baby it's not like we can just go out to the movies whenever we want anyway.

And the epiphany hits...I don't think it's necessarily island life that I'm adjusting to. It's my new life as a mother that I'm adjusting to. All the things I think I'd be able to do in the city I probably wouldn't do anyway because I have a baby. Oh sure, there are things that I would be doing regardless of having a baby like walking up to my workplace and visiting my coworkers, maybe going to the mall just to walk around. But all I'm going to do is walk around a mall, why can't I just walk around outside and get some fresh air?