Only one week left. I am FULL of pre-baby anxiety. I'm bored at home most of the time, can't be bothered to find anything worth entertaining myself with other than the TV (which has NOTHING on for the most part). All I can think about is next Friday. I know the week is going to fly by, but right here, right now it doesn't seem like it will. I find it a little strange that I'm suddenly so very excited about putting myself under the knife, but I don't care about that part anymore. I'm going to have my support people in place, which is only my midwife and Nate. They're all I need. And the end result is going to be amazing. I keep thinking about the moment when she's pulled out and shown to me...and then starts to cry. I hadn't even given the crying any though until my OB mentioned that it takes about 30-60 seconds for it to kick in after she has cleared her lungs of fluid. When she said that I mentally gasped and thought, That's going to be the most wonderful and life changing sound ever. Anyway I just want to see her sweet little face and hold her. I couldn't give two shits about my recovery or how sore I'm going to be. I'm just way too excited to meet my girl.

I'm a week away from her birth date, and I'm also a week away from no longer being diabetic. I could literally jump for joy. I'm excited about no longer being pregnant, about not having this solid heavy belly. I'll gladly take the bowl of jello that my belly will become after. I'm excited about seeing the change in Nate. Oh my, I CANNOT wait to see him take her for the first time. The look on his face is going to be so epic! AND I'm looking forward to that first attempt at breast feeding and skin to skin contact. I just pray that I can be sent to L&D recovery and not general recovery.

Anyway, today I'm receiving my first delivery of cloth diapers from the diaper service. I'd be more excited about that, but my baby anxiety is trumping everything these days. This weekend I hope to get out onto my dad's boat. I haven't been on it yet and I'd like to do that before baby comes. It's not a speed boat or anything. It's closer to a yacht so it won't be anything crazy. We probably wouldn't go very far, just picnic on it. On Monday my mother in law is taking us to get maternity pictures taken. We have a bit of a "couldn't care less" attitude toward it, but SHE really wants it done, we don't have to pay for it, and I think in the end I'll appreciate having the photos as well. I don't care right now because I'm so done being pregnant, but I can see myself looking at them a few months later and feeling glad I did it as I see just how big my belly got. Plus Nate and I have never had any professional photos taken together. Nate doesn't think he has to be there, but he really does because I want pictures of US. I told her that I wasn't super stoked about the mat pics and said that I'd prefer to have pictures of my daughter, but she said we're doing both. So if I'm getting free professional pictures of my baby I can indulge my mother in law and do a maternity shoot for her. Besides I haven't seen her since January and this brings us together.

As for the whole visitor issue I mentioned before. I'm over it. My father in law can show up, but that doesn't necessarily mean he'll be admitted to my room whenever. I'll have the nurses on my side and they will let him know when I'm ready for him. The last thing I need are visitors the day I deliver, but the last last thing I need is for him to barge in while in the middle of learning how to breast feed or something since I know my boobs are going to hanging out all over the place. Plus I don't want anyone disturbing the baby. I think as long as they're not hovering all weekend long and just there for a few hours in the afternoon/evening for ONE day then I can suck it up and let them see her.

Only 12 more days...and so will be my mantra with days decreasing until my delivery date on July 6th. I am uncomfortable. Actually, uncomfortable doesn't even describe it. Well, I suppose I could be in a lot of pain as well, and I count my lucky stars that all this discomfort isn't accompanied by pain. My baby's size is VERY apparent these days. I can feel pressure on my cervix from her little bum and I have a bowling ball of a head being shoved under my ribs. Quite often while walking her weight will shift forward and make everything very tight and heavy. Either that or I'm getting more Braxton Hick's contractions while walking. I think over the next 12 days I'll be taking it even more easy. Since I can feel pressure on my cervix now I'm a little worried that labor could indeed start before my scheduled date. Sure it would mean she would get here sooner, but I've been able to coordinate the family a little bit and an early delivery would throw a wrench in that. Oh, I'm taking all this planning way too seriously for something that goes by its own rules. Whatever happens, I won't be spending a lot of time out of the apartment except for short walks to get outside, tea dates with Anja, appointments, and small shopping trips simply because I'm just too damn uncomfortable. As it stands, I'm against an emergency cesarean because they will likely knock me out for it, which I'm really not comfortable with.

Anyway, the stroller is ready to go and we just went to IKEA today to pick up the changing table. I got a foldable one made of polyester that can be washed, which I think is a great idea considering how messy babies can be in that regard. It's got pockets on the sides for easy to reach storage and a shelf underneath where I can put whatever box the cloth diapers come in. I also got something to put her clothing in so I can start taking it out of the storage container and put it out ready for use. Thank god I washed it all already.

I had a chat with my step-mother-in-law on the phone yesterday. She said she and my father-in-law are coming over the day of. I thought it was a little presumptuous of her to say that like it's not even a question. Personally, I would have appreciated it if they had asked if that was even okay with me. Now I'm a little worried they're going to be all up in our face as soon as I'm out of surgery. I have to make it clear to everyone that I don't even want visitors on surgery day. That day is for me to recover and for Nate and I to spend some exclusive time with our baby. I don't want family getting all up close and personal so soon, let alone seeing her before I even do depending on where I spend my immediate recovery period. I'll be in the hospital all weekend, they'll have time to visit. She said my FIL had taken two weeks off of work for this. I have to clarify with them if they intend to stay here for the whole two weeks. I know I'll need lots of help during recovery, but Nate will also be home for the first two weeks and there is other family that can help such as Nate's mom and MY mom. I don't think my SMIL was trying to be pushy, but just letting me know they will be here, but I have a feeling I'll still have to put my foot down as to how I want this all to go so that I get as much private bonding time as I need. Don't get me wrong I am very grateful for having family around at such an important time, but a part of me is paranoid that they will steal the show, that it will be too much when all I want to do is bond with my little girl and establish breast feeding. I think my SMIL will be on my side when it comes to that. I can see her pushing my FIL out the door to get him to leave because she understands how much I want to be alone with my new baby.

Today was a pretty busy day. I met up with a friend for a coffee date this morning. With the exception of the past two weeks we've been hanging out once a week. It's been so great to have someone I can sit down and talk with about my pregnancy. She also has a 5 month old son of her own so it's been fun watching him just be a baby and remind myself that I'm about to have one of my own. She's been a wealth of advice for me having two kids of her own. I hope she can come visit me in the hospital if I'm going to be stuck there for a few days.

After we went our separate ways I went to LD and bought a couple of things with my hospital bag in mind. I need to start to putting that together so a few travel toiletries are necessary. By then it was lunch time and I decided to indulge a little with a single roll of sushi. I really miss eating sushi, but I just can't eat the rice. Its effect on my blood sugar is horrendous, but lunch is my best meal in terms of glucose numbers because I have insulin from the morning going through my system and I've been active all morning. I didn't check my sugars until three hours after I ate, but I'm pretty sure it still spiked. Whatever.

I worked it off by keeping busy this afternoon. I managed to get the laundry done, assemble the stroller, tidy up a few spots and do the dishes. My belly felt heavy and my back ached after, but it's nice looking at the clean spots. I can't stop staring at the stroller either. I can't wait to start using it! I still want to assemble the swing and put my hospital bag together, but I have two more weeks to kill before she arrives so I have to spread this stuff out so I don't run out of things to do. Of course, house work, grocery shopping and appointments will keep me busy as well.

Today I had my much anticipated chat with my midwife about the steps we were going to take regarding my delivery. She talked to the OB who received the report on my ultrasound. She doesn't think I'm a good candidate for the ECV. My amniotic fluid is a little on the low side and because of that, her size, and the fact that she's frank breech and not complete breech the OB doesn't think it would work. Fair enough. So I told her I will go for the only option I have left: a scheduled cesarean. My midwife suggested July 6th when I reach 39 weeks. I told her that was the day I preferred, not because I explicitly want my daughter's birthday to be the 6th but because it's a Friday and Nate will be able to support me and stay with me all weekend. I am beyond excited! My anticipation of meeting my baby totally trumps all the risks that are involved with having a cesarean. Plus having a specific date in mind is helping me plan my next two weeks. It's no longer a game of hurry up and wait. In fact, I'm now in a position where I hope to God I don't go into labor before then. I've now been told several times that scheduled cesareans are easier to recover from than emergency ones. So I am dead set on this being scheduled. At this point my worst case scenario has become needing an emergency cesarean because labor decided to come early.

So now I can do some more specific research, mainly on breast feeding after cesarean. I can also put together a birth plan specific to a cesarean birth. I am feeling so in control. It's great! I want to put my hospital bag together. I want to pull out the baby clothes I want to bring. I also want to assemble the stroller and pull out the car seat that comes with it and prep it for the big day. I need to pass the base off to my dad so he or my step mom can set it up in the car for when they drive us home. So much planning to do now, I love it!

I just can't wait to actually finalize the scheduled date so I can share it with family and make plans for additional help after she's here since I probably won't be very functional for the first couple of weeks.

Today I had an appointment at the diabetes clinic. It was pretty straightforward. My insulin has been increased again and I was given instructional sheets regarding how I should eat when I go into labor or to prepare for a c-section, when I should stop taking my insulin and how I should check my sugars AFTER delivery. That alone has me excited: I can immediately stop insulin and go back to normal right after delivery. One sheet says that I should check my post breakfast and post dinner numbers just to make sure they're under 6.1. If they are I can stop testing altogether. Then two months post delivery I'll go to the lab for another 2 hour tolerance test, just like the one I took that diagnosed me at 24 weeks.

After my appointment I headed to the pool. It felt great. Getting out of the pool was unreal; my belly had never felt so heavy. I did some handstands and laps and took it easy. It's nice just STANDING in the pool so my belly feels lighter I did occupy a lane for laps, which was fine because all the swimming I wanted to do was just easy swimming back and forth. The only downside to using a public swimming pool is you can run into some bitchy people. I had this one woman come into my lane with a snorkel and mask, do a lap back and forth of fast pace swimming and then tell me that she was going to keep do that and that there was etiquette to follow. She was basically implying that I was in her way by just "hanging out" in the lane and that she wanted me to leave. She kind of pissed me off. I just stood there and looked at her and only said, "Ok." I did a lap or two and then thought, Fuck this bitch, and got out. The hormones in me make me wish I had said something snarky, something along the lines of "I was here first and if you don't want me in your way the choose another lane." I have every right to use it as much as she does and it's not like I was being inconsiderate of her space. Besides I was in a moderate paced lane when she should have been using a fast pace lane. She pissed me off enough that I kept calling her nasty names under my breath and I glared at her a couple of times when I saw her walking on the deck. Passive aggressive, I know, but it's better than me calling her a cunt to her face and starting unnecessary drama. I mean, I'm fucking pregnant and I'm at the pool for a reason. I'm not just fucking around like a teenager. Meanwhile she's just there to get in a quick workout. Whatever.

As I was leaving the pool I noticed my midwifery had called and asked me to call them back. I did and my midwife wanted to discuss the fact that baby girl is breech before I had my appointment on Friday. The reason for that is because she offered an External Cephalic Version as an option for me and she wants me to get it done ASAP. She wanted me to mull it over tonight and call her tomorrow morning, but I already knew I wanted to try it. She also said that because of this situation I'm in I can choose to have a scheduled c-section. I didn't know this. I was told that in my province elective c-sections were not allowed, but apparently they can be if the situation indicates it. I wonder if I could request one just for my GD alone. The fact that she's breech is a much better reason to have a c-section, and frankly, if this ECV doesn't work I'm scheduling one. I was so against it and I KNOW there are risks involved, but I've been told several times now that a scheduled c-section is much less traumatic than an emergency one so if I have to take the c-section route I'd rather it be scheduled. As it stands my whole birth plan has gone completely out the window and I've come to terms with the idea (and potential decision) of having a c-section. Apparently a couple of ladies in my DDC have had to experience both and say that the scheduled c-section was MUCH easier to recover from by comparison. In short, if this ECV doesn't work, I am scheduling a Cesarian and hoping like hell that I don't go into spontaneous labor. Frankly, I like the idea of knowing when my baby is going to arrive. It will make making plans with the family a lot easier since my dad or stepmom will be driving us home after delivery. I wouldn't be stoked about having an incision to deal with after the fact and that I wouldn't be as mobile as I would like once I get home,  but what else can I do? If she can't turn, she can't turn.

Today I went out and bought a bathing suit. I intended to buy a new suit at Old Navy because they have mix and match pieces on sale and because they have sizes that go up to XXL and they make their sizes big compared to other clothing brands. I barely fit an XL top. I wasn't surprised. I could have found one that fit, but bikini tops are supposed to be a little revealing and my boobs have completely changed in appearance and size. In general I am a lot bigger than I thought I was. I truly saw how big my belly has gotten as well, but, c'mon, I'm full term 4 days. I'm supposed to be huge! Anyway I just didn't feel comfortable wearing a bikini. My sexy factor is totally gone. I'm not ashamed of my body by any means, but my self confidence has wavered a bit.

So I said, screw it! I went to Thyme and bought a proper maternity suit and I feel way better wearing it. It has ample boob coverage and the bottoms are really long like granny panties, which doesn't really work since it just slides under my belly and settles above my pubic bone, but it fits my butt. It's also a tankini style so my belly is covered. I bought it on sale for $30, which is only $6 more than what I would have spent at Old Navy. Even though I only have 3 1/2 weeks left until my due date, if hitting the pool can help baby girl turn, then it's well worth it. I plan on going to the pool very regularly until she's born (or my water breaks) so it's not like I'm using it once or twice and tossing it aside.

Tomorrow I hit the pool!! I'm pretty excited. I haven't gone swimming since I was in Mexico.

Today I've been trying different techniques to encourage baby girl to flip. I've done a few inversions off the couch, been on hands and knees rocking back and forth, and knelt on the floor with my butt sticking straight up. The last one doesn't feel good on the neck, but it's easier to hold for a longer period of time than the inversion. I even tried some more simple techniques like shining a flashlight on my belly and using a cold and hot compress simultaneously. She wiggled a lot, but to no avail. What kills me is that I have no idea how these things don't make her flip. With her head crammed up into my ribs and her bum sliding out of my pelvis how is it that she simply doesn't just...turn? Why doesn't she seek more head room? How does her poor little head tolerate a cold compress? It baffles me.

Well, I will continue to do these things multiple times a day, plus hit the pool, until I know for sure that she's head down. Once she's head down I'm buying a birthing a ball to help her drop and STAY there.

She still has time, she still has time, she still has time....

I went for my ultrasound this morning. She is frank breech, just as I suspected. I couldn't even take home a decent picture because she was, once again, "camera shy" and wouldn't give the tech a decent profile image. The ultrasound measured her at 6 lbs 10 oz. It's a little large for her gestational age, but I did some googling on that weight at 36 weeks and I'm finding women saying they've babies are measuring 7.5 lbs at the same gestation age. So 6 lbs 10 oz can't be that bad. I know she could be smaller or bigger. It's not accurate, but it's fun to know and interesting to see the potential results of my GD. It makes me wonder how big she would have been if I weren't diabetic. Would she be smaller? Would she have been bigger because I would eating way too many treats and junk food because I know I would have. I would have likely consumed lots of ice cream, potato chips, and non-diet sodas. I would eaten desserts after my meals when eating out to satisfy my sweet tooth. Instead I've cut out all those things I just mentioned, substituted some things (i.e. wheat and sugar free chocolate chip cookies, most of the carbs and sugars come from the chocolate chips themselves) and overall eat less.

Now I must wait until Thursday to hear what my midwife has to say about baby girl's position. I don't think they can do much except give me suggestions on how to help her turn and I'm already exploring those options. One method I really want to try is swimming, but I need to go buy a new bathing suit top before that happens. My boobs haven't stopped growing and the same top that barely fit me in February doesn't fit anymore. Thankfully Old Navy sells individual bikini pieces for cheap in XL and XXL, so I should be able to find one that fits me. At the pool there is nothing worse than seeing a woman of any size, pregnant or not, wearing a bikini top that is too small for her. Too much side boob AND cleavage just looks horrid and skanky. There is a way for larger women to wear bathing suits and look classy and that is: the bathing suit simply fits properly.

Anyway two of the ladies in my due date club have been swimming and one got her baby to turn completely and the other is seeing positive results. So maybe the pool would be successful for me too. I would probably find it relaxing anyway and it's the ultimate method of gentle exercise. Now that I have all the time in the world to go I have no excuse. I should go at least three times a week I think. No, make that 4 times a week.

Today was my last day at work. It was bittersweet, it was downright awesome. I'm not going back for a year. At the end of my shift my manager had secret collected a bunch of my coworkers in the office to surprise me with a goodbye and a card. It was such a sweet gesture that I didn't expect. It makes me feel special to know that they will miss me. We'll still see each other, though, because I live a 15 minute walk away and prefer shopping there for my necessities. Plus, I have all my prescriptions for my diabetic supplies there so I will definitely be in there before babe is born to pick those up. I have a 98% chance of my diabetes going away right after birth, so I won't need any of that stuff after the fact.

I am so relieved to be taking an extended break from all the regular customers. I like my store and the staff, but the customers of New West can be a bit dodgy and the regulars downright annoying. It will just be nice to not have to engage in benign chit chat all the time and hear them complain about things nobody has any control over, like the weather or sales tax. I'm so excited to be spending a whole year focusing on my new little girl and facing the challenges of motherhood head on.

Going through this pregnancy and being part of an online due date club has been a real learning experience and lesson in appreciation. I feel so damn lucky to live and be having a baby in Canada. While I do live in the only province that charges its citizens a premium for medical, I don't pay a dime because I'm considered low income. So my entire prenatal care is covered by our wonderful (yet flawed, but that's a whole other can of worms) universal health care system. I didn't have to worry about choosing an OB or a hospital that would be covered by an insurance policy. If anything happens my baby after delivery I don't have to worry about receiving a bill for tens of thousands of dollars for her stay in a NICU. Even if I had a home birth it would be covered because midwives are recognized health professionals in BC. So all of my prenatal appointments, my gestational diabetes appointments and care, and my extra appointments with an OB are a not even a financial thought for me. I feel really bad for all the American moms in my due date club when I see them struggling with their insurance. No offense, Americans, but you guys have a terrible, terrible health care system that puts profit before people. It seems criminal to charge a family tens of thousands of dollars just to have a baby. And what do the families without insurance do, I wonder? Have their babies on their kitchen floors or bite the bullet and take on a $30,000 debt? 

Another reason I am so grateful to be pregnant in Canada is my maternity leave. How on earth does a mother raise a baby with only 12 WEEKS of mat leave? In Canada we get a full year. We still have to work a certain amount of hours over the last year to qualify and then receive 55% of those earnings if we do, but we still get a whole year. Some companies will top off their mat leave pay as well. I don't expect this to be a year long vacation. I'm about to begin a whole new job that is full time and then some. I don't expect it to be easy, but from what I hear the unconditional love that I'll feel for my little girl will make it so worth it it's not even funny.

Yet another thing I am grateful for is my extended health benefits that I get through my employer. Sure I pay for them out of my paycheque, some $25 or so per month, but my diabetic supplies are freaking expensive. It's probably safe to say I've saved about $300 because my diabetic supplies are fully covered. I learned that my insulin costs $50, and I'll probably only use 1 or 2 out of the 5 cartridges that come in the box. What a waste of money that would have been if I payed out of my own pocket.

Anyway I now have 4 weeks until my due date to take it easy, enjoy myself, prepare, and go to appointments. Starting next Thursday I see my midwives every week. I have one more GD appointment, and I'll be seeing my new OB here and there as well. I have my ultrasound tomorrow morning to find out just what this little girl of mine is up to. I'm crossing my fingers and toes that the solid bulge of movement at the top of belly has been her bum this whole time, but when I poke my belly I doubt it because I don't feel any feet or knees or back to go with that bum. We will just have to wait and find out. I'm not going to let myself worry about it, though. She has time to turn, if need be, and there are things I can keep doing to help her out, like continue with the Webster technique through my chiropractor, doing inversions, and I'm going to try swimming.

This afternoon I had my much anticipated OB appointment. A couple of weeks ago I was reluctant to go, but I was pleasantly surprised. I've had this biased and unfavorable opinion of OBs based on nothing at all, just what I've heard about American OBs. What is the difference? Well, this is Canada so while some practices may be similar I am, ultimately, in a different country and our OBs (and hospitals) are likely to practice a little differently as well (i.e. different policies/protocol on c-sections). I don't know why I've had it in my head that all OBs practice like pretentious, old school doctors from the 50's who ride on this high horse declaring, "I'm the doctor so what I say goes!". My OB is young, apparently boho in style, and has a pleasant bedside manner. She was not all what I expected. If I saw her on the street in passing the last thing I would ever think she does for a living is practice as an MD, let alone an OBGYN. So I'm pleased with her to say the least and she made it clear that she knows that her involvement is only due to the fact that my midwives' college requires it. She said everything is fine and she'll just be taking a back seat. I'm still in the hands of midwives.

The appointment was pretty straight forward. I met with a resident first who collected history and asked about my blood sugar numbers and how much insulin I'm taking. Neither of them seemed concerned in the least. I'm sure the amount of insulin I'm taking is minimal compared to some women they've seen. She checked my weight, blood pressure (kind of high 135/82 or something like that, but that's also typical for end of third trimester), fundal height (36 cm. One cm ahead, but considered normal), and my personal favorite, urine. Man, will I ever be glad to never pee in a cup or on a dipstick again for a long time. Anyway I checked out just fine. Everything was normal. The resident said that my referring midwife is the very same who delivered her own baby. I thought it was a little ironic that an OB resident had a midwife deliver her baby. Small world, anyway.

After all that my I met with my actual OB, the boho chick I liked her right off the bat. She said some very important things that I needed to hear. It is very apparent now after three weeks of being on insulin that my diabetes is in fact getting worse as time goes on and that insulin is very necessary. However she said it's a sign that the placenta is growing and working properly since it's the hormones from the placenta that are causing the GD in the first place and making it worse. So in way, it's good that I need insulin and that my dosage seems to always be increasing. She also said that even though induction would be seriously considered so that I don't go past my due date, I'm still calling the shots for my delivery and there is no reason for me to not have a normal vaginal birth. She believes I'm in good hands at my midwifery.

I asked her about the induction thing and I told her straight up that I wasn't into having an IV induction with Oxytocin. She said I can decline an induction and wait to go naturally and during that time I would have to go for NSTs to keep an eye on the baby and make sure she's okay. She said there are other things that can be done to encourage labor to start like sweeping of the membranes and such, which I am all game for. I will try anything to avoid an IV induction, which can make labor more painful, longer and lead to a higher risk of C-section. So I'm happy with her answer. I'm not going to be forced to do anything, but I need to keep my own head in the game to keep my baby girl safe. Her safety is the most important thing and I can't let my own stubbornness get in the way of that. 

The other thing I asked her about was her position. It's suspected that she's breech still. OB said that normally babies are in a head down position by now, but there are things that can be done to try to help her flip if she doesn't. It's not uncommon for babies, even first timers, to wait until the last minute so there is still time. My ultrasound on Friday will give everyone involved a solid answer which way she's sitting. It would be a great surprise to find out she is in fact head down and I've been seeing her bum bulging this whole time. If I find out she's head down I'm going out that very same day and buying a birthing ball so I can help her drop. If she is breech then I'll have to wait and see what my midwife says at my next appointment. I think, out of all of this, anything were to send me in for a c-section it would be her breech position rather than the fact that I'm diabetic. But I think in that regard I can still wait for labor to start naturally rather than scheduling it. At least my body and baby would be telling me it's time rather than removing her when it's not. At least that's how I would prefer it to go. Scheduling a C-section would only make me more nervous I think. I don't need to know when her birthday is going to be.

Anyway, peace of mind has been achieved. I feel so much better. Now I'm just looking forward to my ultrasound. I'll get to find out how big she is, how much she weighs, what position she's in, how my amniotic fluid levels are doing, and how much hair she's got. I really want to know the last one for no particular reason other than curiosity, lol.

I'm realizing that I'm panicking for no reason. With a new perspective put on my GD, I'm just going to relax. I want to enjoy these last weeks, rest up, get some gentle exercise to prepare myself, and, the hardest of all, exercise some patience. I'm in good hands.