I am so tired. These early mornings are getting me a little, but I do have a new appreciation with being able to stay up later and guiltlessly taking a nap because I don't have to work early the next day. I'm bit better today because I got an extra hour of sleep (boy what a difference an hour can make), but after running around for almost 8 hours with only a 15 minute break I started getting tired and cranky again. I'm finding my role at work at best stressful and downright overwhelming. I have to look after at least three other people, one of which is new and therefore very slow and her English isn't very good. I'll tell her something and she'll nod and say okay, but completely out of context to what I had said to her so I know she didn't understand me. Today I was almost on the verge of tears in front of my manager and I was about to have a serious discussion with him about how I'm beginning to think this role isn't suited for me. I don't necessarily like it. I'm only doing it because it will get me to where I want to be, but if what I ultimately want to do is what I'm doing already (and then some), then I'm having second thoughts on everything. The problem is that I don't necessarily want to be a "lifer" who sits back and lives on a somewhat above par wage with hours that are never guaranteed. I suppose if I stick around long enough I could get a regular part time position that guarantees me a certain number of hours, but I'm still not really doing anything with my "career". I feel better about myself at least trying to move my way up in the company.

I must remind myself that this is all still very new. Today was a guided day. I was shown things that I'm supposed to be doing and thinking about, but I'm just not there yet. My performance is mediocre and this bothers me. However, it's mediocre out of inexperience, but that bothers me just as much. One thing I know for sure is that I hate handling heavy, bid, awkward, dirty, dusty stock. I suck it up though because I know I'm not the only one. But, I'm keeping my eye open to that fine line between dislike but dealing and dislike and miserable. I do NOT want to be miserable at work. How awful to dread doing the thing I spend about 30 hours of my life doing per week just to make some money. I require some joy in it, some satisfaction. But, as it stands right now I haven't spent enough time doing it to really be sure one way or the other. All I know is that right now, I'm not too happy with it, but I'm optimistic (or am I naive) and believe that it can get better and I can become good at this!

Last night my home city showed the world its ugly colors:

This event has embarrassed Vancouverites in a way that losing the Stanley Cup never could. The damage is extensive and today volunteers who love their city are picking up after those who obviously do not. London Drugs, my employer, has a store that was right in the heart of it all and it got hit pretty bad. The staff made it out safely and it's actually open for business right now. People worked through the night to clean up the mess.

I'm making a rabbit stew right now. I've never had rabbit before so I'm very excited to eat this. It's smelling amazing too. It's cooking in a red wine broth. I was off to a bumpy start though. I cut my finger, discovered one of my onions was completely rotten in the middle (even though I bought it yesterday) and I burnt the butter the first time around. But so far it's going well. My neighbor helped me out with the onion, so that was great.

Tonight's going to be great! It's game 6 tonight in the Stanley Cup final. Our boys could quite possibly take the cup tonight. We only need one more win. If not tonight then I'm very confident we'll take it on home soil in Game 7 on Wednesday.

Yesterday I was really keen on getting outside and so I did. Nate and I headed downtown and met up with some friends to watch the hockey game. They set up an outdoor TV and soundsystem to watch the game on Granville Street. They had this large section of the street fenced off and only so many people could come and go for safety reasons. It all went to hell in a handbasket by the time the second period was beginning. All of a sudden drunk douchebags rushed the back gate and flooded into the fenced area. Everyone was pushing and shoving and just generally being inconsiderate and rude. When the second period ended Nate and I decided to leave. It was no longer fun. It was claustrophobic and I couldn't see the screen anyway from so many heads in the way. It defeated the purpose of being there. So we took off and went for a walk towards the beach. We ended up on the seawall along False Creek and came across some small restaurants that had the game playing on TVs. They were practically empty so we decided to grab a table and beer to watch the rest of the game. When the game went into overtime (albeit 11 seconds of OT) I was really glad to be out of that Granville area and chaos. When the game ended we went home, stopping to say hi to our friends at a Thai restaurant before leaving. All of downtown was like I had never seen it before. There were honking horns everywhere, people cheering and screaming and waving flags. Everyone was just so excited and happy. The atmosphere on the skytrain was buzzing too.

Today I went on a 3 hour hike up a mountain and back down around Deep Cove. It was lovely and beautiful and it murdered my legs. I wore shoes that are not at all for hiking, but they were the best thing I had. So my feet, to say the least, took a beating. There lots of rock that kept making my feet roll the wrong way and by the time we were done my feet were sore in general. I was tired of walking on uneven ground. My knees took a lot of punishment also, mostly coming down. I was stepping down one at a time like an old lady, lol, by the time we were were nearly done. It was fun though. I had a good time and it made up for not going to the gym in the past several days. I'd do it again, but only if I had proper hiking boots with decent ankle support so that I don't roll my ankles on a stupid rock. All in all I'm proud of myself for doing it with little to no complaining. I was definitely slower than the other guys that I went with, but Nate hung back to walk to with me, which I think helped keep my frustration at bay. I didn't want to the be the whiny girl that tagged along to ruin everyone's fun. I am, however, going to revoke my own personal statement of wanting to do the Grouse Grind this summer. If this hike nearly killed me, the Grind will be so much more worse than that. I think I should work on strengthening my legs before tackling that one.

All in all it's been a weekend well spent. Now I just want to curl up with some tea and a book. I have to go to bed early tonight anyway for a 4 am start tomorrow morning.

Today is a gorgeous day! It's supposed to go up to 23°C with not a cloud in the sky! So maybe it will get hotter... I cannot wait to put on a pair of shorts and just get out there. I don't even care what I do today, just as long as it's outside. I also have the whole weekend off, which is such a big bonus. Work asked me if I wanted to work in the cash room this morning from 4am to whenever I was finished. I nearly said, "Hell no!" and wanted to laugh. I did say no, though. Money is nice, but Vitamin D is, sometimes, a little more important. And to actually get a whole weekend is a real treat. There's also a hockey game tonight that I can actually watch. I'm so excited that our Canucks made it to the Stanley Cup final. I'm not even a big fan, but the last time they made it this far was 17 years ago and if you know anything about hockey it's that winning the Stanley Cup is an amazing honor, achievement and feat for any hockey team...and our boys are only three wins away from it. It's exhilarating and the whole city is vibrating with expectation, anticipation, excitement, pride and a sense of morale that so palpable you can nearly taste it. I have no idea how our day is going to unfold, but an option for us is to go down to the CBC station on Georgia and Hamilton to watch the game from the big screen. We'll see. We might just miss the game because we're having too much fun elsewhere.

Oh dear...I'm aging...I'm finding the small fonts on here too small to read I used to love using the tiny fonts. I thought they made the page look cleaner, but honestly it's not fun to read like that anymore. However, despite this, my job often makes me feel good about myself when a customers asks me about a product and I just flip it over and start reading the tiny paragraphs of info on the back label for them. If my genealogy is anything to go by I'll either be wearing progressives or contacts with reading glasses by the time I'm 40, so it's only a matter of time before my vision gets worse. When I have some money to spare I might even get LASIK. The going rate nowadays is $500 per eye, which is really only 2 pairs of glasses if you think about it...maybe three, and glasses don't last forever. LASIK isn't guaranteed to last forever either, but to pay a grand to see without any sort of correction would be a blessing and I think the results would outlive two or three pairs of glasses.

One day...

I am seriously enjoying this new diet. When I say "diet" I don't mean cutting out an unrealistic amount of calories in order to lose weight. I mean what I eat overall, the real meaning of the word. Everything is changing for me: my view on junk food, my cravings, my guts, even things like my skin and nails. I went to trim my nails this morning and realized they were thicker and stronger. It even dawned on me that I've hardly had any hangnails. My skin has taken on an even and clear tone, and not just my face but ALL of my skin. My cravings are virtually gone, or rather they have changed from anything everything fatty or sugary to salads or V8 juice or a piece of fruit. When I've attempted changes like this before I've always worried myself with thoughts like, "But I'm going to miss eating this or that." Now I don't even care. I know I'm not missing out on anything. In fact, the thought of fast food is starting to make me gag. And finally, my guts are feeling awesome! No more cramps or bloating! My waistline has shrunk from my guts deflating alone.

I'm just excited to know that eating healthy isn't tasteless or gross or not enough. I find that eating fruit and using honey instead of refined sugar is good enough for me. Now I'm adding more exercise by going to gym and doing 30 minutes each on an elliptical and a bike, plus whatever else I want to do like lift some weights etc. I've only just begun so I'm trying other things out like using free weights and pulley weights. The gym provides an area for stretching and core strengthening and has posters of 8 different exercises that can be done with a yoga ball. I want to try doing all 8. I consider an hour of gentle cardio my warm up, so I'd really like to focus on strengthening my middle and upper back to get rid of my slouch, tone my arms and strengthen my core so that my hips come back rather than tilt forward and cause "duck butt". It also ends up making me stick my stomach out, which is not really appealing. We'll see how I do in the weeks to come. My man has a personal trainer that is willing to meet him at the gym we go to just to check up on him and I'd really like for her to give me some exercises catered to what I want to achieve.

But at this point I'm feeling great. I'm feeling pretty. I'm happier, I'm sleeping better, I don't feel stressed out. Now I must hit the hay as I have to work at 6am tomorrow morning.

Over the past couple of weeks I've improved my diet with actually drinking the daily recommended 64 ounces of water a day, eating more fruits and vegetables, cutting out refined sugar, and generally eating low fat. I've lost a bit of weight, though I'm not sure how much exactly since I don't have a scale nor a start weight to work with. All I know is that I was bobbing around 140. My initial intention was to lose a few pounds, but after feeling results I think my priorities have changed. My constant bloated state has disappeared, my back has stopped aching, I think my skin has improved (but I can't really tell because I'm still using moisturizer), my cravings have waned considerably and have shifted to more healthy desires like salads, and I have more energy. I'm feeling great to say the least. At this point I'm starting to believe that weight doesn't matter. If my body physically (more specifically my gastro-intestinal system) feels awesome then what do I care if I don't have perfectly flat abs? Besides, getting rid of the bloating and gas makes me look thinner anyway

For a moment there I was considering going to yoga tonight as there is one more class at 7:30, but (depsite everything I just said above) I ate a burger, albeit a burger I made a healthy as possible (whole wheat bun, chicken instead of beef, salad instead of fries, although I did forget to ask for no mayo), I'm still feeling really full and I don't think that will bode well in a 120° room even an hour from now. I will most definitely go tomorrow after work though. As far as exercise goes I'm still not getting as much as a should. Yoga just isn't enough. It's good for unwinding, cleansing, increasing endurance and flexibility and it is making my knees stronger, but it doesn't build any muscle mass. I've been doing for walks along the seawall in downtown, which is making me feel great too. I want to invest in some good walking shoes and make the most of the summer by doing some firsts like walking the entire Stanley Park seawall (10 km), do the Grouse Grind and check out some other hiking trails. This year I'm so excited to be outside!

Everything is A-okay right now. I'm getting way more hours at work and trying to overcome my newfound exhaustion in order to keep the apartment looking great. Cooking dinner is more of a challenge when I'm working until 6:30 because Nate is already home and hungry, but either way waiting is involved whether we order in or I cook. I just get so much satisfaction out of having dinner half way cooked when he walks through the door so he can smell it and realize how awesome his woman is because he's about to be fed Oops...I think I was tooting my own horn a bit too loud for a second there. But, and let's be honest here, I'm a pleaser and pleasing my honey makes my day as much as I hope it makes his. At the rate I'm going I would have no qualms truly working part time and being a "housewife" the rest of the time. If we just factored a child into all this the picture would really be complete, but that must wait a little more. 

Speaking of having children, it's going to happen sooner or later. I'd rather put emphasis on the sooner than the later, but I've given myself until I'm 30, so I still have plenty of time. Originally the plan was for me to go to school, get a job, work a year and then try, but the work thing isn't really panning out, so I'm at the point where I'm starting to think it doesn't really matter what I'm doing. How planned does it really need to be? I have to determination to take on this life long challenge and we've been talking about having one for a while now, so what surprise would there be if I were to become pregnant? Now, I'm not saying I'd go out of my way to sabotage my birth control in order to get pregnant (when I'm 30, I'll consider this), but I am saying that I've come to realize that it doesn't have to be that planned. I don't really want to be saying "Okay let's be pregnant by this month, so I'll go off the pill that month and we'll go about it in this way." NO!! I wanna just wing it. I want it to happen when it happens, the only thing is that I want it to be something everyone is happy about not, "Oh! Is that okay?" You better believe you're pretty little britches it's okay! It's just a matter of bring it up with the man. Men always seem really chicken shit about the whole thing until the baby is actually born and then everything changes for them while the whole time it's been a life changing experience for the woman from pregnancy onward. 

I just don't see the point in waiting anymore. Everything is changing in a way neither of us can predict and I'm in a space where if I were pregnant now I would be more than okay with it. If families with 5 children can survive on welfare (and I'm not even exaggerating because I've seen them here in town) then we can do it for one on a decent income. So what in the hell are we waiting for? 

With my work schedule the way it is I have a lot of spare time on my hands. But, I've been doing my best to use that time productively and wisely by embracing the role of the so-called "housewife". I take pride in my apartment and even my new found meticulous cleaning habits. Our apartment is clean to say the least. In fact any space that I have lived in has never looked this good and I have to say that it feels great. In the past I've dealt with the woes of roommating (that's not to say the roommates themselves weren't awesome) that include, most importantly, sharing the kitchen among other spaces. Now I have everything under my control. In fact, I'm a little neurotic about it. I've never considered myself a control freak, but I definitely like things the way I like them. Mess really bothers me, though. I've lived in some messy spaces before and I don't know how I managed to overlook it and just deal with it all being there. Half the problem was that half the stuff lying around wasn't mine so I didn't even know what to do with it. Nowadays I'm all about being clutter free and organized. It's still a work in progress because there are some closets that need to be gutted and reorganized once I buy some of those rubbermaid containers to put it all in. I hate the look of cardboard boxes. Some stuff needs to go to Sali-Ann, but I've been waiting for the use of a vehicle to do that. Otherwise, I'm making the most of my time by making my living space comfortable. What really ties my day together is being able to make dinner for Nate when he gets home. On the weekends I get a break because we order in or go out to eat, which is great because it makes me feel like I cook because I want to, not because I have to in order for us to get a good meal. 

Anyway, I'm feeling pretty good about things right now. I like my schedule the way it is. The whole point is that I don't feel lazy. I want to channel this effort into getting some exercise too. Ultimately I'd like to get back into Bikram's yoga, but a gym membership somewhere would do just as well. But I always remind myself that I can exercise for free just by going out for a walk.